Being Married and Men vs. Women

Being Married...

I married Miss Right.....I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be my case, it was damned near impossible.

A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all; money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman...then...pow!...It was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. " wife found out..."

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?!" "I don't care.... just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.....I don't like to interrupt her.

A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

A man is incomplete until he is married.....after that, he's finished.

Marriage is a three ring circus: 1. engagement ring 2. wedding ring 3. suffering

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" His father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"

The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

A man's credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it, because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Boring husband: "Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" Bored wife: "Because I married the wrong man!"

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Marriage is grand.....and divorce is about 10 grand.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something she said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before she's finished."

Men vs. Women...

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


The Style: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants.

A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.


To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.


Marriage: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.


Men marry because they are tired.

Women marry because they are curious. Both are disappointed.


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while...

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her;

A man, of the woman who he didn't.


There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage

Husbands: Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

Married men live longer than single men, But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people remembering the same thing.

The Battle: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.