I married Miss Right.....I just didn't know her first name was Always.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men.....it only seems
Losing a wife can be hard.....in my case, it was damned near impossible.
A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all; money, a beautiful house, a
big car, the love of a beautiful woman...then...pow!...It was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend. "Ahhhh...my wife found out..."
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get
home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the
time she brings it to the couch.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your
things! I just won the California lottery!" "Shall I pack for warm weather
or cold?!" "I don't care.... just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald
and still think they are beautiful.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.....I don't like to interrupt her.
A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you
go to lunch or to a movie?
A man is incomplete until he is married.....after that, he's finished.
Marriage is a three ring circus: 1. engagement ring 2. wedding ring 3. suffering
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the
"y" becomes silent.
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided
that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then
says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
His father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband
exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"
The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
A man's credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it, because the
thief was spending less than his wife did.
Boring husband: "Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong
finger?" Bored wife: "Because I married the wrong man!"
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's
Marriage is grand.....and divorce is about 10 grand.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man
speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the
man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one
thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something
she said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before she's finished."