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HMOs and you - humor

 

Just got off the phone with my HMO... 
asked them a few questions...
thought you'd be interested in the answers.

1. What does HMO stand for?

A: It's actually a variation of the phrase "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Dr. Moe Howard: A patient can be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern medical practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

 

2.Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A: No. Only those you need. And a doctor is not the determiner of need, as he's just a money-grubbing parasite, and thus is not impartial enough to make that judgement.

 

3.How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

A: Only slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. We will provide you with a book listing THE doctor participating in our plan.  We don't pay him much, thus he can't be money-grubbing enough to impede his impartiality. And his office is just a day's drive away from you. And he's extended his office hour to one and a half hours.

 

4.What are pre-existing conditions?

A: This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

 

5. Can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?

A: Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

 

6. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A: You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

 

7. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache.  What should I do?

A: Poke yourself in the eyes.

 

8. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2000 yearly cap. You reimbursed the doctor for my outpatient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?

A: You have two choices: Your doctor can sigh the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

 

9. What should I do if I get sick while travelling?

A: Try sitting in a different seat.

 

10. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and get sick?

A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician (the one that's only a day's drive from you).  It's best to wait until you get home, then get sick.

 

11.I think I need to see a specialist, but your participating doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform heart transplant surgery right in his office?

A: Hard to say, but considering that the $10 co-payment is all you're risking, there's no harm in giving him a shot at it.

 

12.What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?

A: Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

 

13.Will health care be any different in the next century?

A: No, but if you call right now, you might be able to get an appointment by then.

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